Doubts
by demondreaming
Summary: Sam loves Carly. But she's pretty sure Carly doesn't feel the same way. But sometimes... sometimes she has doubts. Essentially Sam's POV on major Cam moments. SamxCarly, some profanity.


**Disclaimer: I have never owned iCarly. It's spirit cannot be tamed.**

**Please review. It's so easy and makes me squee.**

Alright. The first thing you need to know is that I didn't choose this. And that's one of the reasons why it scares me. I'm Sam Puckett, I do whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want. I don't like being controlled. But this... this thing is controlling me. It's like I'm a fucking ragdoll in its hands because whenever I'm around her I can't think, and I'm like a fucking peacock with its feathers out trying to impress her. Stupid educational tv making me learn!

And she's my best friend. My best friend who likes boys. Believe me, there's plenty of proof for that too. And I guess you can say that for me, but I never kissed any of them – well, I did kiss Freddork, but that's only because I _couldn't _kiss Carly. I knew when I looked at her after I said I'd never kissed anyone. She'd been shocked, and a little confused, but she didn't stop me leaving. And maybe it was revenge, or maybe it was self-pity, you know, get the damn thing out of the way so I could stop 'saving' myself for her, stop deluding myself. Or maybe I just hoped I'd feel something. And I tried, I really did. And it was nice, in a way. But it was just lips to lips. There was no... spark, or shock or whatever. And I think that's when it hit me. _Really _hit me. How bad I wanted that to be Carly and how even just thinking that, I felt more than I did when I was kissing Freddie.

And I know what you're thinking. I liked Pete, I did.... I thought I did. I said I did, so Carly would feel all clever and proud about inviting him to my party. And don't think that party didn't kill me. To know she was behind it and her little speech that made me grin like a fucking moron and make me feel all warm inside. And I thought: one more chance. One more chance to like a boy. Because I can't keep feeling this way around her. And maybe if I dress like a girly girl I'll act like one too and like boys.

I think I just wanted to spend more time with Carly. I didn't really need her advice on how to be girly... well, maybe the manners part, but I'd been doing pageants when I was seven. I tried to tell myself I'd just forgotten it all, but you don't forget that stuff. Not the way they drill it into you. And it was nice, spending all that time with her, having her dress me up and look at me like that, like I was precious and fragile. But she didn't want me like that. And Pete liked me either way, so I dropped it. And I dropped Pete. The boy was nice, and we're still friends but—I held his hand and I kissed him and it meant nothing. And I'd liked him as much as I'd ever liked a boy.

And then she started dating Griffin. It scared me, because he reminded me of myself, and if I knew what I'd do to her, then I was pretty sure I was terrified of what he might do with her. She was so into him it killed me. I had to hide a smile when I heard they were having problems. I don't think I did too well with that. But then it was back to normal. And even if I couldn't have her the way I wanted her, at least no one else was having her either. That's not selfish right?

And I know I said I wanted her. And that's true, it still is, but I thought maybe it was just hormones. I mean, she _is _pretty hot. But—I think I love her. As in, marry me and have children love her. As in, you can have my bacon love her. It was when Missy came and Carly was so happy. Screamy happy. And I could tell from the way Missy looked at her that she was thinking the same things I was. It nearly killed me when Carly didn't believe me. It hurt. It hurt so bad I went to Freddie. And I _never_ go to Freddie. Bad for the reputation. And Sam Puckett doesn't ask for help....but for Carly, for Carly I'm not me – at least, not the me that everyone sees. I'm the real me, the turtle inside the shell, and she's the only one I can show that side to.

And believe me when I say I _never_ wanted her to find out about Freddie and me. I mean, I didn't want anyone to find out, but her more so. And it was weird, because it felt like cheating on her, even though we're not together, and I think she felt it a little too. To see her face, to see her think that we – that I – betrayed her was like a punch in the gut.

And I knew how she felt – knew it when I saw her dancing with Freddie in the Groovy Smoothie, her head on his shoulder. It was like a bucket of cold water thrown on me, and I was cold and shivering and my knees felt weak. I couldn't even say hello. I just left. And I was bitter. But the next day everything was fine. They didn't come up to me shyly to announce anything, and Carly still looked amused when I picked on Fredward, so I put it behind me.

I'll admit one thing though – one thing among many – I did like Carly frisking me. And the slap on the butt. I blame the bunny suit, it does strange things to her. And maybe I'm overanalysing but what if she felt something she couldn't control? It felt like her hands lingered a little when she was patting me down. And if she felt guilty or *sick* over it and that's why she latched onto Freddifer so quickly... as if to remind herself she was straight. And I am overanalysing, and it kills me when I do that 'cause there's this little spark of hope that burns me and I never learn. It was because he saved her. End of story. That was all. But... she had to know I'd risk my life for her too, right? It's just 'cause I'm not as clumsy as Freddork that I never get hurt doing it. I mean, I have saved her life, and I was terrified. That proves she's straight right? Because she didn't latch onto me... well, she did in the literal sense, but you know what I mean. But if she's so straight.... why do I keep getting these hints? Why do I keep needing to find proof? Is it because I want her to want me, or is it because she's dropping hints at me, but I'm just too stupid to get them? I thought _I_ dropped a pretty big hint with that rainbow ring, especially as I _never_ wear rings, but she barely seemed to notice it. But....but but but.

Sometimes, just sometimes I look up and she's looking at me and she looks away, or she'll smile. And sometimes, just sometimes, she'll take my hand or my wrist so gently, for no reason. And she'll sit so close and stand so close that it drives me crazy, and when I sneak into her bed at night because I can't stand not being near her – sometimes – just sometimes, she snuggles into me, and hugs me to her. And it's not knowing, never knowing for sure that's torture. And while I usually approve of torture, this is fucked up. Even _I _wouldn't do this to someone. Not even to Gibby.

But it's like I said. I'm Sam Puckett. I don't make moves. I don't show weakness. Hell, I don't _have_ weakness. So I can do this. I can wait and see. And no one has to know how much it hurts. And no one can know. Especially not Carly. I think I can do this. Right?

**A/N: I'm not kidding about the squeeing. Please please pleeeeease review.**


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